4: He Doesn’t Care to Know Me!Jan 29, 2023
The irony in being a healer, an empath, or a sensitive is that you tend to draw to you wounded people. I spent countless years traveling the globe all over Central and South America and learning the ways of the indigenous shaman. I’ve sat for countless hours on the mat re-arranging my thoughts. I’ve read and researched countless materials on health and wellness and I’ve been vegan for about 30 years now. I talk to nature and know my plant medicines. I’ve spent years as a yoga and shaman teacher and a healer. I really really try to be a better person every day I wake up. But, there is one thing that has repeated like a broken record in my personal life - he doesn’t care to know me! What do I mean by this? Since it’s almost Valentines Day, lets talk about love… or what’s not love! Have you ever been truly or fully accepted or known in partnership? If you have been, then count your blessings and turn the page (knowing I’m jealous) and go do something more enjoyable with your time than read my musings!
I don’t believe I have ever been truly seen in partnership and as such, I have never loved… in this lifetime anyhow. Earth love is hard! When our soul is vast and deep we often wonder (as star seeds…with another worldly life remembering) if it really can’t be expected that someone would join us completely. It seems nearly impossible anymore to find a matching vibration in such a dense reality. Its certainly not as if us deep thinkers and feelers are hard to get along with. On the contrary, we are all loving. We have the capacity to love deeply. We have a longing to do so. We know how to transform love into the highest vibrational energy. I mean like the kind of stuff to heal the planet! But, if we aren’t careful we will attract lower vibrational partners that will not only let it be known we are hard to understand but will also be incapable of loving us at the depths we know exist. We won’t be seen in what should be the most intimate relationships and we will be left evermore unfulfilled as they will not even know that something greater even exists.
Personally, I find that most men that I have shared snippets of life with have only allowed things to be surface level. They signed on to the partnership for appearance, to fill a void, for couples dinner parties, to try to mend their broken heart, or because it’s good for business. I’ve also learned that some of us came here to be general participants in the matrix and others came here to re-work the energies of self and do the big work... like healing the planet. A few of us really know (and desire) a deeply connected love and others just want to choose a convenient partner that lives 15 minutes from home to have dinner and watch movie with. Those of us that came from a place where we knew what real love looks like have a challenging time navigating the denseness of this planet. We hold in our DNA the knowledge of kindness, peace, love, and authentic communication and relationship. We seek depth.
When us star seeds get lonely we end up choosing relationships we think might help pass time til we find our soulmate or we pick partners we think we can awaken. But, then we find ourselves waiting for that moment when our person snaps out of the programming and wakes up to the infinite potential we see within them. When they don’t, we get lonelier or have to rework life plans. We try to form these relationships so we don’t have to go through life alone or because we need a little help navigating 3D reality, but we end up feeling more separated in the end. We may wait a lifetime for them just to meet us halfway and they may just never do.
Many of us have a sadness in the memory of our true spiritual home and we know that this is not it. I know I’ve settled a few times in relationship that brought much darkness into my heart. So much of it has taken everything in me to heal from. I’m going to open up to do my best to share with you a few stories from my past and from here I will begin to frame my blogs around how these experiences have ultimately helped to empower me. Here I go being vulnerable again! Please note that I’ve really tried to do my best to describe these experiences not to "out" anyone (because none of us are perfect and we are all still learning) but to help you understand what we have to overcome when we choose lower vibrational matches that end up failing…
What many high vibrational beings don’t understand is that all beings (light and dark) are attracted to your light. In partnership that light can be too much for an unaware partner. It will come in extremes they aren’t accustomed to. The darkness will challenge their being. Without a strong foundation they will basically explode.
As a light being, you will need to understand your responsibility in the partnership may end up becoming a bit more motherly to be sure your lower vibrational partner is coexisting healthily in the high energy and keep a check on everyone as you work through the lower energies with them. With good communication, it can be adequately navigated but generally communication will not be at levels we would prefer and may just always leave you longing for your true soulmate. Without an understanding of the duality of light versus dark, with an unhealthy ego, or lacking a spiritual foundation…darkness can creep in back doors. You are going to likely have to keep a watchful eye on things because your partner may not see like you do. I'll talk more about this in future blogs.
Come Along With Me
I will never forget how my ex husband would tell me that being married was good for business. He told me that as a Chiropractor it was more comfortable for men to know he wasn’t gay and women to know he was not flirting. I believed him, but I also didn’t know I was part of a business plan! (I was also a part of him getting his green card and funding his business, but I’ll be kind and leave it there.) I reflect back on the years we spent together as business partners. I left my high-earning career to take a chance at building out a life as owners of multiple chiropractic offices. I hadn’t yet awakened when we met. I just thought this is what you do to build a future together.
It was during my marriage where I began to spiritually awaken and that was not something he was interested in whatsoever. He wanted to go to the bar, concerts, and stay out late. He behaved like I was holding him back from single life and like marriage was some kind of torture. It was as if he had reverted back to his 20’s and I was expanding my knowledge and spiritual presence—on my way to becoming a sage (if I had anything to say about it). I wouldn’t keep him interested nor from rebelling. And, he couldn’t get me to “loosen up and live a little ” as he claimed. It was all very juvenile to me. I wanted more.
During the years of our marriage and upon the death of my dog Tia I was literally stopped in my tracks in my life. One day my ex husband would say to me “I liked the old Nicole. She was far more productive.” It didn’t matter to him that my heart was shattered and I was looking at life differently. It just wasn’t what he signed up for. He liked the asleep Nicole and there wasn’t any part of her that I wanted back! Magic was all around me and I wished to share it and that's when partnership grew lonely.
I tried desperately to bring him along on the journey but it was the complete opposite of how he wanted to spend his time. My eyes were opening to so many wonderful new things and oh how painful it felt to be so divided and to know that the person I had chosen at the ripe old age of 31 was not the one to grow with me! My heart hurt from this period of so much loss. It was like a death bomb went off in my life and everything that was would be no more! My beloved animals were leaving, family was leaving, and my partner was long gone well before it even started. He simply just wasn’t with me. I had days were I would just cry thinking I had waited so long for partnership and a family and it was obvious it would never be. I knew I would be a good mother, but I was quickly seeing this was not a good environment for kids.
The painful gifts during this phase of my life (back in the early 2000’s) would teach me that how people come together is not always how they stay together. We went through years of therapy and years working through divorce. All in all, we spent more time trying to work out how to come together and separating than we ever spent in partnership. The greatest gift I received in this partnership was building profitable businesses that would fund my life journey for many years in the future. What happened here gave me the platform to build from for a good 20 years. To look back on these years as a failure would really be inappropriate. Many looking in from the outside would only see failure, but it was never for them anyhow. What I built here gave me the wings to travel the world, learn who I was becoming, and experience life bigger than my own backyard. It was a good transitionary relationship for my souls growth.
During this transitionary phase between marriage and divorce there was a day in particular where I remember being in a yoga class for my yoga teacher training program where each person was given the floor to explain to the group who they were and why they were there. We sat in a circle and the room was peacefully silent as each person spoke. That day in that room was one of the greatest gifts I had ever received. I was in my mid 30’s and I thought to myself… this is the very first time in my life where I have ever actually been heard! It deeply affected me. It still does today. Being heard this day while I was still working through my divorce made me see that this was the kind of relationship I wanted. I was able to put a stake in the moment and the feeling will stay with me til the last breath. I told myself after that day that this would be how life would be going forward. I would be an active listener and so would my partner. I knew this practice to be that of holding space. I would leave my marriage knowing a little more about love and go out seeking my soulmate.
Post divorce I spent a good five years processing this time in my life and would move through a few relationships until my eventual engagement. The relationships up til my engagement were varied and a few saw me for who I was and who I was becoming, but they lacked grounding. Dating a spiritual man is sometimes wonderful but finding one with balance and grounding isn’t as easy. Perhaps one of them, might have actually seen the depth of me, but I didn’t find what I was looking for in them. However, I did get a glimpse of what it would be like to be in partnership with a more caring soul on a spiritual path. I would be released and go looking for him…the man that not just cares to know me, but knows how to harness a solid partnership based on good communication, mutual understanding, and one that could meet me vibrationally and spiritually...
To Be Continued...