2: Living in TruthJan 15, 2023
My first book was titled Finding Your Inner Truth and the theme of truth has carried throughout my work.. even more so since I published this book. One of the conclusions I make in my book is that truth is based on personal experience.
When windows of change open for you, you begin to look at truth a bit differently as you peel through the layers like an onion. The first quote I open my book with is one by Arthur Schopenhauer, a German Philosopher. It goes like this:
“All truth passes through three stages.
First, it is ridiculed.
Second, it is violently opposed.
Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.”
Oftentimes truth is subject to personal interpretation. It can be very experiential. Yet, today truth is a big subject plaguing our nation… heck, the whole world. How does one find truth is a sea of lies and confusion? And if your truth is different than someone else’s, how to come to a neutral ground?
I went through a series of awakening moments in the years prior to writing my first book. I had to process many supernatural events that were occurring simultaneously along side of a divorce, the death of loved ones, while I was working on a second masters degree, and in general, it was just a very challenging time in my life.
Have found that these massive shake-up’s broke loose anything lacking a solid foundation. As I began to go through massive change I first questioned my marriage. It wasn’t supportive and loving. I felt more alone than I ever felt in my life. A series of events would lead up to my divorce then escalate during the process. I began to have my eyes opened to new ways of being and living that were far different than my former years of parental and societal programming. As my foundation was rocked I grasped to hold onto the familiar. I tried to find a home for these new concepts I was learning. I tried to find a common ground with those present in my life at the time with no avail. I was not on the self-discovery journey long when I realized this was for no one but me. I had some massive things to process and not one person to witness or validate so many things that were just so much bigger than me.
I came into my marriage after a very challenging time and it was my marriage I believed to provide a stable structure that was anything but. My partner came to the United States seeking employment and a green card. It wasn’t long into my marriage where I could see there wasn’t much love and I began to wonder what it was he was seeking if love wasn’t it. He didn’t care much about partnership. In fact, he used to get upset when I wouldn’t drink alcohol or go to loud bars or concerts. It didn’t even take our marriage counselor very long to see his lack of commitment or the fact that he didn’t want to grow up. I really believed I was well-worth the love of a solid partnership and marriage and I just thought perhaps I was misunderstanding things. I was ironically working through a masters degree in transpersonal psychology during marriage counseling and it was why I suggested we go in the first place. Needless to say, he wasn’t committed to much of anything with regard to our marriage. I was a non-drinker and had a hard time even staying awake after the sun went down. I certainly wasn’t a concert-goer before we got married, so I certainly wasn’t going to change that now. I’m not sure why he ever thought marriage would be the thing to re-kindle his 20’s, but it wasn’t a safe environment for building a family. As I grew aware of this, I began to shift consciously into a more spiritually awake person. I would see clearly that he wasn’t along for the ride. We separated back in 2008, so this was some time ago now. My first massive truth bomb would be the dissolution of my marriage.
As we separated it was as if the shackles had come off and the cage was open and I grew wings to fly! He never really treated me poorly, but he was most certainly never fully present with me. But, as I would grow I would wish so dearly that I had someone I loved to share all the amazing experiences I was having with. Since I detail many of these in my book, I won’t go into them specifically here. But, I will say that I began a quest for awakened beings when none were in my inner circle. I traveled the globe seeking for myself, hopeful for a matching vibration in friendship and partnership, and I was looking to enhance my life and grow my understanding of my life purpose. In think, in other words, I went to find myself. The subtitle of my first book is “An extraordinary journey of love, loss, and self discovery.” And that it was!
As I moved forward I began to think about how wonderful it would be to welcome a soul partner into my life. My whole life I had beat to a different drum and I had spent so much time alone in my own bubble. I saw life differently than anyone I knew. As a child I would spend hours upon hours in my bedroom just thinking, creating, and dreaming. As a young adult I would have a hard time through junior and senior high school as I just wasn’t into the giant popularity contest and everyone loosing self-identity trying to conform to what others were doing. I spent a most of these years in deep depression. I had a hard time believing that this was all there was. I couldn’t find any like-minded friends that saw through the programming and mind-numbing experience that was life. My insides were screaming! I couldn’t image that this was all there was or ever would be. And, what exactly do I mean by this?
I saw things on a much grander scale. I saw people’s potential and their vastness. I wondered at what point this was going to be awakened in each of us and we’d be place on point with our passion and purpose. It was lying dormant but it seemed like no one else cold see it. Why was no one pushing me to be better? To align with my purpose? To awaken? Why were people all around me seemingly asleep? They all seemed to forget who they really were and seemed to be living in some kind of amnesia. They didn’t know they were even asleep or not shining in their being-ness. How could they not know this I always thought.
As I worked through the last of my high school years I was completely naive to the idea that what came next was real life or college. I mean, literally, I had no idea til the very last exam of the very last day of school that I was supposed to make choices for the rest of my life. It was when some boy turned around and asked me what I was going to do when I woke up tomorrow. I casually said “I don’t know, what about you?” He told me he was excited to work in his fathers dairy business as a delivery driver. It was that very moment where I said “Holy Shit! I’m going to college!” And, that next day I registered for community college, because I had clearly missed all the memos about 4-year college. I seriously had no idea that the other kids were even planning for this. I mean, how in the world did I miss this? Where was I?
So it was these days I reflected back upon as I began to write here today. Why didn’t I know? Somehow I missed the programming. I was impenetrable! I watched my friends go in separate directions and there I was alone trying to figure out what was next for me. I was always creative so that seemed like the natural place to start. As I finished up college I felt like I had lots of time to make up for and I had to figure out how to awaken myself from whatever kept me from knowing the conforming ways of my friends. It’s like I was just an outcast from the beginning. It wasn’t until after my divorce where social media became a thing. As I got re-connected with friends I realized I missed another moment - marriage with kids! Here I was divorced at 37 and I never had kids. Wow! I was at least 15-16 years behind! As I connected with them online I began to feel like I was even more of an outcast than I originally thought.
I had been traveling all over Central and South America in Peru, Bolivia, Guatemala, Belize, Mexico, and the Caribbean Islands to name a few. I missed the memo about baby-making years! I had met a few people that I dated briefly but never “The One” to make babies with and fall in love! As I approached 40 years old I would finally meet my person and I through perhaps a miracle would occur and I could still have one child. But, he never provided a stable environment for that. He already had two grown boys and even though he wanted more, it was never right for me. He had financial challenges that kept us form getting married and he was always somewhere else. There were also some very unstable feelings in this partnership that just never got mended. As some point I’ll expand upon this further.
It’s been 15 years now since my divorce. I have traveled the world and lived in some great places, but I still have not found my forever after. I’ve grown weary and tired. And yet, I have not lost sight of what set me off on this journey all those years ago. I set off to figure out who I am…to find my truth! Now, what’s truly fascinating to me is that now I sit in a world knowing exactly who I am…yet, the world isn’t ready for me. I have found out that all the hard work getting to know self is not something many go off on a journey to do. Many are far more comfortable in the unknowing. Many are happy conforming. And many are so wrapped up in life that they aren’t even aware that there is anything different to unfold. I’ve left out many details that I will pick up on in future posts, but this takes us to our current world events.
Here we are learning what truth is and what it is not on a collective level. Yet, here we also are learning at a critical time where it’s literally come down to life and death! The whole world is going through an awakening and now I sit watching, wondering, waiting… how do I help? And, I know I’m not the only one that wants to help, yet so many really just don’t want the help. Yet, those of us awake know we have to awaken together because we are at a point of what some refer to as ascension. Our planet is moving into a high vibration and the critical mass is either going to have to wake up or not make it to the next stages of this global awakening. Those of us awake know that not all are going to wake up and we also know we have to put ourselves in the place of at least trying to wake the masses. So many are so defiant and so angry right now.
As I’ve stepped up to guide others I have realized the journey into truth is very very different when it’s chosen verses more-or-less forced. So many don’t wish to be jarred awake. They simply want to go through their daily routine, pay their bills, punch the clock, educate their kids, and go about their business the way it’s always been done. The pressures of change are just far too much to bear.
Truth is knocking on the door of every household across the globe right now. Are the choices you’ve made up until now going to make it more or less challenging to face the realities to come? And, if one is required to live in truth, what exactly does that mean? And, why is it so scary? Is it the fear of the unknown? Is it the fear of making a wrong choice? Is there a fear that making a choice makes you vulnerable? What is it really about truth that makes people uneasy?
I read something the other day that said some people really study things before they make a choice or form a belief and others follow the crowd to free up the thinking for something else that requires it. I suppose it’s the deep thinker or the rebel that asks all the questions and goes against the collective narrative that has awakened first.
This has me thinking of the time I got locked out of my motorhome while it was running, with the dogs inside, and on a hot summer day. I was driving from Florida to Utah and there I was coming through the edges of Alabama when I got out to throw something away. I went to go back in and the door was locked. I looked around. Who was I going to ask for help? I locked my phone inside. I knew I had to hurry with it running and the dogs inside. There I was at a rest stop full of people. I looked behind me and there was a family man with his little fluffy dog and kids. He seemed like perhaps he’d be kind and maybe knew some motorhome tricks that would help me. But, upon further inspection, I would notice he didn’t appear to be very worldly. I began to walk towards him but then literally my body turned the opposite direction as I approached him. I was turned toward a group of Alabama bikers. Oh, ok God, I get it! Ah… they will be a bit more knowledgeable about how to get me unstuck from this jam! They let me borrow their phone and I called a locksmith. As I sat there with them waiting they asked me some questions and I was pretty sure we didn’t have our solution yet, but as they went to leave I thought, oh heck, I’ll just try the windows and maybe one just didn’t close all the way. I was pretty sure I had locked them. Low and behold, the drivers window didn’t latch all the way. I got lucky when I went inside the rest area to find a cleaning crew and access to a ladder. I waved my biker friends a goodbye and hopped in the window and back on the road. I’m not sure how this would have turned out had I asked the family man with the fluffy dog for help. I just know I was literally re-directed to the bikers. I think sometimes we were never meant to know any other answer but the one God directs us to. Have you ever wondered how many times you’ve been kept from danger or re-directed and just didn’t know it?
I often think living in truth means living in constant relationship with God. I get on my yoga mat every morning and say “Good Morning God. It’s me again.” I ask him for help where I’m stuck and wait to hear what my lesson of the day is. I’ve often said that prayer is asking for something, but meditation is the act of listening. I try to have reverence and balance here. I mean some days I’m a bloody sobbing mess and others I assure God that I’m ok and just there to listen. Every morning that my feet hit the ground I say “OK God, here we are another day…how can I best serve you today?” But, this conversation has changed a bit over the years. As I began to know God I used to complain that he hated me, forgot me, or wanted to see me suffer. That never seemed to go over very well for him… or for me. Kinda like - hey God, I’m suffering here… then I’d ask for something. It wasn’t a good relationship.
I have now evolved into a place of ask and receive and listen and go forth. Yet, I’ve also struggled a great deal with so many things that have made my days harder. I mean I’ve struggle to the point of waking and taking a breath and saying to God “Wow! I’m still alive?” Some mornings I would wake more positively than others thinking I must be here for some reason. I would wake thinking maybe today was the day God would align me with that reason. Then other days it was a real struggle to get my body moving and I’d think perhaps God overlooked me. Then there were other days where I toyed with who was God anyway and perhaps I was in more control than I realized. I would play games in my head about how I was going to figure out how to move myself out of the body pain, the mind chaos, and the emotional baggage of events of my past. I’m guessing I’m not the only one that has these ongoing dialogs with God. I know some of you have a therapist, but I have a yoga mat and a direct line into “the Big Guy”. I prefer to go direct.
I know we all have our individual motivators, but I find that I’m generally more motivated to take action when I’ve suffered through something long enough and words finally end up hitting the pages as my therapy. I’ve struggled a great deal with my health since 2017 and there are some mornings where my conversations with God have felt a little more life or death. I’ve known through these conversations that I’ve barely been holding onto life a few times. About 25 years ago I was at the gym working out and I was doing lat pull down stomach crunches when all of a sudden I felt something pop in my lower abdomen. I knew right away when I got home and saw the swelling that I most certainly had a hernia and was going to need surgery. I would spend a few years however looking around for a doctor that could actually diagnose it as such. It seemed every time I went for an appointment there would be no swelling. Years would go by and finally at the referral of a family member I found a doctor that had me do one simple test of blowing up a small balloon and he found the hernia. I was scheduled for surgery immediately. As I came to the hours after surgery I would learn that my intestines had been living in my leg! I guess that perhaps this was why it was undiagnosed. Apparently the tear was quite bad. So, almost immediately after the surgery something felt like it had gone wrong. I would wonder if the hernia had popped out again. Years would go by and I’d think maybe I’ll get it looked at. But, I didn’t have a lot of discomfort. It just felt like something was “off”.
Fast-forward many years and there I was struggling on Maui where I lived with my fiancé. All of a sudden my body just started shutting down. I had all kinds of pain. I would wake in the middle of the night and the early hours of the morning and literally crawl onto my yoga mat to talk with God. I will say that these conversations didn’t always go so well. I was crying and yelling at God asking for answers and a solution. My fiancé at the time didn’t tell me that he had cancelled our health insurance and I was in a bad place with no out. I wasn’t sure what to do. I was in so much pain and finally one day I had to get myself to the hospital. I was struggling so badly and my struggles became worse when all of a sudden I had no healthcare and no support from the man I was supposed to marry. It had become very clear to me that I was in this alone.
I was in so much pain and I was so scared. I had 3 young dogs and a business that I also needed to work around and there just came a point where I could do nothing but cry in pain. I tried everything I could think of to ease the pain with no avail. I became so tired and weak. My body broke out into this terrible rash and I had other unspeakable things happening that I won’t go into here.I even had one day where I passed out after the shower and had just made it to the bed while still wrapped in a towel. He came in and kissed me goodbye and took off to the beach with his two visiting sons. He had no idea I was about to take myself to the hospital and I was unable to speak to tell him before he jetted off. The pain of him not recognizing my needs was worse than the pain itself. Him being MIA literally made the pain worse. There is just nothing like being in so much pain and feeling all alone. It’s a very scary place to be in. This phase of my life brought the most painful truths I’ve probably ever had to come through. Even a few years later I had a brief conversation with him where he never even acknowledged his awareness of my condition when I had told him how sick I had been. To spend all those years with someone and to be invisible was an unbearable pain for me.
There have come times in my life where I think, how much more life do I get? If I died today would I have lived authentically? Would I have lived in my truth? Would I have lived fully? Have I left anything behind that I wished I got to do but didn’t? The honest answer is no! I have lived a very full and meaningful life. If I died today I know that I’ve done the best I could do with every situation. But, there are many things I wish I could do differently, or I wish that I would fall in love and live in a happy relationship in a loving home with a man I love. I have looked back on my life and I’ve wondered if I have ever been in love and that answer is a most definite no! If I could have one thing before I died it would be to know love with another human. I have often wondered if I have not known love because I expected it to look like something else. I guess it’s because I have always thought love should not be so hard, so judgmental, so controversial, so unforgiving, so inconsiderate. I mean, I think I know love and I think I know it deeply. Yet, it is in those that I have partnered with where it has just not been compatible. My partners knowledge of love seems to have been one of convenience rather than truth. It seems to be one of expectation, shallow feelings, and for show. I know that the gift I have given myself to know myself thoroughly has given me an advantage yet my matching partner who has also taken a deep spiritual dive into self has yet to appear.
There are so many barriers in modern love and partnership. We come to this as some kind of business relationship these days where each party has to acknowledge certain financial benefits or ask themselves how the other person can serve them and their needs verses an actual real getting-to-know you truthful relationship. All the years of work I have done to get to know who I am seems to be more a threat to a man… as if I am a strong patterned woman that is unwilling to bend and flex into the person that better serves him. And if he is not strong enough to take the lead for a woman living in her spiritual truth he will never create a strong foundation for her to let her guard down and feel safe in the union. It seems that most people only give a short window of opportunity for one to showcase compatibility and the days of courtship are long gone. The minute I tell someone of the health challenges, the unique experiences, the relationships, etc. that I have experienced they vanish. This is life and to be judged for what you've experienced is only because you have lived more life than the one providing judgment.
People don’t have time for persons of character but rather prefer persons of convenience. If I think too much I’m a burden or if I take life too seriously I’m a drag. I mean, living in ones truth and living authentically as an individual isn’t easy. It’s met with a lot of resistance. The rest of the world is built on conformity. I’ve always been a square peg that will never fit into a round hole. If you are living in your truth you really aren’t going to be like everyone else. I find that people generally want to label a person and make them less infinite by doing so. We don’t know that we’ve been trained to categorize (or box in) others and inherently limit them.
I am hopeful that more will awaken to living in their truth as humanity breaks out of the chains of conformity and realizes all that has been held from them for the entirety of their lives. It’s my goal to share here authentically with no other purpose than to live authentically. When we share our thoughts we don’t have to make ourselves vulnerable in the process by sharing every last detail of our lives, as no one is perfect and we are all here learning. It’s my goal not to miss a moment of bettering myself as I walk through life. There is so much to learn and so many ways to grow and when we live in our truth its ok to admit we don’t have all the answers. What a boring world if we did!
I encourage you to challenge yourself to live more authentically and peel back the layers of your life experience. Ask who? What? Where? When? Why? Don’t be ashamed to not know. Breaking into your authentic self can feel a little vulnerable, but if you don’t get tomorrow, will you have lived a full life that you can be proud of? How authentically have you lived today?